Candy I Will Never Make Again, Part I

Let me start off by saying that today is just not my day, at least culinarily speaking. Take this post for instance. I've been meaning to update for days now and finally worked up the motivation to actually do it today. I began by looking for my laptop. I looked everywhere. Where could it be? Oh, my husband must have taken it to my brother-in-law's. OK, no problem, I'll use my internet tablet. My little case is not on its hook. Grrr, I must have left it in the car when we went out for lunch. Blood pressure starting to rise. OK, who am I kidding. My blood pressure is through the roof over the stupid popcorn (Part 2) but we'll get to that.

So, I proceed to drag the kerosene heater into our office. Oh, yeah, we heat primarily with kerosene which is still over $4/gal here. Needless to say, we don't heat the entire house, hence my initial search for a portable typing device. Finally, after lugging the heater over to my desk and lighting the thing I plop down in my chair. WTF! Where is my keyboard....on the media center in the living room? Yep, freaking men. Determined now, I move the heater, lit (don't ever do this), over to the far side of the divided room and my husband's desk. I hate using his computer by the way. I'm sure it is just full of nasties. He never even updates it or anything and the fan grinds like it's trying to break out of the case. Software engineers, bah.

On to the main story. Candy I Will Never Make Again, Act I. I make a fair bit of candy, albeit my reluctance with the candy thermometer. I make a s%@#t load of cookies. You would think I'd be used to trying kitchen situations. Nope. Anyone who has ever cooked with me, and the count is very few, will tell you that I have a short fuse. This gingerbread incited me to shove my General Tso's chicken box, complete with fork, 2 jars of sauerkraut, 3 boxes of gnocchi, and a 4 cup measuring cup all the way down the counter into the microwave, prompting my dogs to exit the room stage left. Despite all that I am not a violent person, I swear. It's just when you so badly want something to go right, need it to, and it doesn't no matter how you coax it, well...I'm sure you've had those days.

Lebkuchen is a traditional gingerbread of Germany. I needed this for Christmas, emphasis on the NEED. I substituted zest for citron which I find rather bitter and omitted the almonds because my nephew is allergic. Other than that it was by the book, almost...This gingerbread, this $#%#@ gingerbread. My husband has forbade me to ever make it again. It didn't seem that difficult, chill overnight, roll it out and place into a prepared pan. No biggie, I've made gingerbread men many times. Wait, I forgot to tell you, as my recipe also neglected to inform me, with about 1 tablespoon more honey you could market the batter as an industrial strength bonding agent. Roll it out, yeah right. I added probably a cup more flour than it called for and it was still too sticky to roll out. I probably ruined my antique rolling pin that has seen 3 generations of biscuits, not really but it felt like it at the time. I will most likely never get it off of a silver platter near the sink, which should not be near the sink getting wet and piled with dirty dishes in the first place. To Hell with the instructions of not to press it into the pan because it will become tough and dense.

It seemed fine to me and the baking bread smelled like Christmas. I was completely surprised that it almost doubled in volume in the oven with such few leaveners. After cooling, it was chewy and dense but not in a bad way. The flavors of ginger and cinnamon really came through. Good, but I'll stick to traditional gingerbread cookies and preserve what little sanity I have left.

Makes 24 bars

Bars

¾ c. honey
½ c. brown sugar
1 egg
2 tsp each chopped lemon and orange zest
2¼ c. flour
¼ tsp baking soda
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp ginger
1 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp cloves
3 tbsp diced crystallized ginger

1. In a 2 cup measuring cup, bring the honey and brown sugar to a boil in microwave. Stir well and cool until barely warm.
2. In a large bowl, combine all ingredients and stir until well combined.
3. Cover and chill overnight.
4. Preheat oven to 350°F.
5. Lightly grease a 13x9" baking dish.
6. Press the batter into the baking dish evenly.
7. Bake ~ 20 minutes or until a cake tester comes out clean.
8. Remove from the oven and immediately brush with the glaze. Allow the glaze to soak in between coats.
9. Cool completely, and then cut into bars.

Glaze

6 tbsp apple juice
1 c. powdered sugar

1. Combine the juice and powdered sugar and mix until smooth.